Another birthday, another year gone

I am the oldest child of 5 kids. I am 31, my brother Ben is 29, Geulah would have turned 26 today, Ahavah is 24, and Daniel is 22. Geulah was the middle child and for me, I was looked at as a "mother figure" for most of my adolescent life. I often babysat and carried through the "orders" of my parents onto my siblings. Needless to say, I think my siblings resented me at times. I was the mean older sister. My sisters were very close, only 1 1/2 years apart. I had always envied the closeness they had. My brother Ben and I fought relentlessly all the way until we basically graduated high school. (Thankfully we are good friends now and I look to him as a mature and good man.) My youngest brother is "awesome" as he'd like to describe himself. As much as this will inflate his ego, I'd have to agree at times. He not only looks like my dad, he is laid back like him. I know that one day he will make a great father and husband. He just needs to find his way.

So, today I am reflecting on my sister's life. She died by suicide, which for some people is taboo to talk about. It was on May 6, 2002, a week before my 23rd birthday. I will admit the first 2 years, talking about it was difficult. You can't imagine the kind of judgment people have and assumptions people make when something like this happens. People ask if we saw it coming or why it happened. If we knew or I knew, she'd be alive right now. Who would allow anyone to do that if they knew. It's not like she died of cancer or a car accident. She chose her end. However, we hurt just as much as other families, if not more, for the constant judgment and blame that occurs. Our family broke that day. Part of my heart died the day she left us. I lived on "auto-pilot" for the year that followed. I somehow finished my 2nd year of nursing school by the grace of God. The second year we had our first child Noah, which brought joy to our lives. However, it didn't fix my hurts and sadness. It was like a bandaid. Grief is a complicated thing that hurts you and heals you at the same time. Someone told me once that it was like ocean waves, you wait for the next big wave, feel the all consuming grief take hold and deal with it, then it recedes for awhile before the next wave. Big or small. It always comes back.

I am now able to think of her fondly, rather than have to constant replay of the day unfold when I found out she was dead leading up to the funeral. This was my life for 2 years. Every time I'd get in the car and drive. The inevitable brain would not shut down and it would start from the beginning like a tape and run over and over in my mind. Whether you call it suppressed or just grief played itself out, I don't have those same thoughts everyday, but maybe it'll pop in my head once in awhile. I now just think of memories of her, the way she acted both good and bad. I remember her honestly as she was. I don't sugar coat it, and remember how sweet and loving she was and at times how stubborn and lack of remorse she would have at times. To think anything different than who she was would be dishonorable.

I prayed hard every day that year that God would "save" her and comfort her from where she was hurting. People have their judgments, how can a person possibly go to heaven if they commit suicide? Or, it was "not God's plan". I refused to believe this. She was a child of God and hurting so bad.
I never really went to church. There were times I was angry with God for what happened. My heart was broken and unable to see clearly.

I still deal with her death, but I know that with Jesus, I am able to heal and grieve without guilt or blame. I can stand tall and not worry about what my neighbor thinks. and I will use my life's tragedies and triumphs to help others if I can. I honor my sister today for bringing me 17 years of fun, frustrated, bickering, joy, anger and understanding.

I thank Geulah as well, for she has brought me closer to my other sister Ahavah. I love her dearly and never would have thought we'd be as close as we are. The relationship I envied, I have now. We are brought closer and lean on each other through Geulah's memory and by the grace of God.

Happy Birthday Geulah. You are forever loved.

• Three things will last forever- faith, hope and love- the greatest of these is love. - 1 Cor 13:13
• Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my savior and my God. -Psalm 42:5
• Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. -Lamentations 3:32

Lamentations 3:22

2010- A year in review

So, I started this blog and made 1 entry and basically left it alone. I don't consider myself a writer, but 2010 was such a significant year, that I feel compelled to write about it.
I won't lie...it started out pretty miserable. My family had fallen into a "rut". My husband and I were strained with finances and every day struggles of life. We were having a hard time adjusting to our new financial situation. My husband had been unemployed from May 2009 until October of 2009. He got a seasonal position which led to a permanent position, however our combined income was much lower. With all these stressors, we felt like negativity had just consumed our lives. I was unhappy and it was affecting my family.

Just when I had started to try and fix one part of my life, my health, I had decided to start training for a 5K and lose weight. I was on the treadmill 3-5x/week and feeling good. I even got the crazy idea of trying out for roller derby. My friend and I bought some skates on a whim, had minimal practice and joined a roller derby clinic to learn some skills. Unfortunately in March of 2010 I broke my ankle. Got a fracture in my fibula and tore the tendons on the inner part of my leg. Needless to say after many expletives out of my mouth (we'll just leave that up to your imagination) on our way to the hospital, I ended up having to get surgery later that week. I was out of work for 13 weeks. Stuck in bed for over a month and didn't walk for 6 weeks. A month after my injury, my husband got into a car accident with my daughter. My husband only sustained minor injury, and my daughter was miraculously perfect. Unfortunately the driver that hit my husband was uninsured and we regrettable found out we had been uninsured for 2 weeks due to an oversight. My husband had been so overwhelmed with taking over all the duties of the household with cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, taking care of me and working, it was just one of those awful things that happened at the wrong time. Needless to say we were put in even more financial strain due to fixing a car that should have been totaled, living on half my salary and mounting bills. During this time, I had become pretty depressed, anxious and had a lot of time to reflect on our lives.

About the time I had returned to work in June, on a whim, my sister in-law invited me to this church "The Crossing" in Elk River. I thought about it, drove home and informed my husband that we had to leave in 5 minutes to make the next service. He had initially declined and was tired, but he relented and we went. We argued the whole way down, partially due to some of the ongoing stress of our lives had put us in a state of constant tension. The ride home was like the floodgates were opened. We cried together and just knew things were going to be better.
That was the day our lives had forever changed. We were broken and needed saving. Jesus had touched our lives and we haven't looked back since. I've always believed in God, but never really led a life that was Christ-like. Something in me just changed and there's no going back. Life has more meaning. I live for Jesus and want others to feel and know what I know, which is still a lifelong process that I am excited to continue on.

Since then I've confronted years of hurt, depression and anxiety of past and present. I'm healing from within and couldn't do it without being saved by accepting Jesus as my personal savior. I am happy to say I was re-born, baptized on 12-12-10. My family and marriage is better and happier. I can't say that believing in Jesus made all the troubles go away. But my faith and hope have been restored and know that I am better with him than without. He is bigger than I could be and learning to lean into him when I need some help. I even feel like I enjoy my job more, whereas before I was dragging and performing less than what I could have been.

Another thing I've been doing is doing a daily devotional of reading the bible. Who knew! I think when your heart is closed, you are not open to understanding or even desiring to know God's word. But since I opened my heart, I crave and want to read it. It sustains me and gives me wisdom on how to live my life. Life isn't perfect, but it's better. So with this new life, I've been purging things. Who knew that clutter and "objects" in your house could drag you down? We've donated more last year than we have ever in our lives and we're at the lowest financial point in our lives, but it gives us joy.

So what turned out to be a really low point in our lives, ended up being the thing that was needed to guide us to where we needed to be. I used to say "Why me?", but now I tell people breaking my ankle was a blessing. It took a broken bone to wake me up and open my eyes. I've had opportunities in life where I could have turned to God, even when my sister took her own life in 2002. Life doesn't happen on our time, but on God's time. This was our time. It only took me 31 years!

More to come. I look forward to 2011 and the possibilities!

"All things are possible for one who believes." Mark 9:23
"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." Psalm 147:3