Another birthday, another year gone

I am the oldest child of 5 kids. I am 31, my brother Ben is 29, Geulah would have turned 26 today, Ahavah is 24, and Daniel is 22. Geulah was the middle child and for me, I was looked at as a "mother figure" for most of my adolescent life. I often babysat and carried through the "orders" of my parents onto my siblings. Needless to say, I think my siblings resented me at times. I was the mean older sister. My sisters were very close, only 1 1/2 years apart. I had always envied the closeness they had. My brother Ben and I fought relentlessly all the way until we basically graduated high school. (Thankfully we are good friends now and I look to him as a mature and good man.) My youngest brother is "awesome" as he'd like to describe himself. As much as this will inflate his ego, I'd have to agree at times. He not only looks like my dad, he is laid back like him. I know that one day he will make a great father and husband. He just needs to find his way.

So, today I am reflecting on my sister's life. She died by suicide, which for some people is taboo to talk about. It was on May 6, 2002, a week before my 23rd birthday. I will admit the first 2 years, talking about it was difficult. You can't imagine the kind of judgment people have and assumptions people make when something like this happens. People ask if we saw it coming or why it happened. If we knew or I knew, she'd be alive right now. Who would allow anyone to do that if they knew. It's not like she died of cancer or a car accident. She chose her end. However, we hurt just as much as other families, if not more, for the constant judgment and blame that occurs. Our family broke that day. Part of my heart died the day she left us. I lived on "auto-pilot" for the year that followed. I somehow finished my 2nd year of nursing school by the grace of God. The second year we had our first child Noah, which brought joy to our lives. However, it didn't fix my hurts and sadness. It was like a bandaid. Grief is a complicated thing that hurts you and heals you at the same time. Someone told me once that it was like ocean waves, you wait for the next big wave, feel the all consuming grief take hold and deal with it, then it recedes for awhile before the next wave. Big or small. It always comes back.

I am now able to think of her fondly, rather than have to constant replay of the day unfold when I found out she was dead leading up to the funeral. This was my life for 2 years. Every time I'd get in the car and drive. The inevitable brain would not shut down and it would start from the beginning like a tape and run over and over in my mind. Whether you call it suppressed or just grief played itself out, I don't have those same thoughts everyday, but maybe it'll pop in my head once in awhile. I now just think of memories of her, the way she acted both good and bad. I remember her honestly as she was. I don't sugar coat it, and remember how sweet and loving she was and at times how stubborn and lack of remorse she would have at times. To think anything different than who she was would be dishonorable.

I prayed hard every day that year that God would "save" her and comfort her from where she was hurting. People have their judgments, how can a person possibly go to heaven if they commit suicide? Or, it was "not God's plan". I refused to believe this. She was a child of God and hurting so bad.
I never really went to church. There were times I was angry with God for what happened. My heart was broken and unable to see clearly.

I still deal with her death, but I know that with Jesus, I am able to heal and grieve without guilt or blame. I can stand tall and not worry about what my neighbor thinks. and I will use my life's tragedies and triumphs to help others if I can. I honor my sister today for bringing me 17 years of fun, frustrated, bickering, joy, anger and understanding.

I thank Geulah as well, for she has brought me closer to my other sister Ahavah. I love her dearly and never would have thought we'd be as close as we are. The relationship I envied, I have now. We are brought closer and lean on each other through Geulah's memory and by the grace of God.

Happy Birthday Geulah. You are forever loved.

• Three things will last forever- faith, hope and love- the greatest of these is love. - 1 Cor 13:13
• Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my savior and my God. -Psalm 42:5
• Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. -Lamentations 3:32

Lamentations 3:22